I will love you. — November 10, 2016

I will love you.

You are going to wish you were kinder to the sense that I am just as human and fragile as you are.

I won’t miss the way that you’ve misunderstood me. I won’t miss the way we’ve disagreed.

We became barriers for each other instead of bridges… and for that, I’m going to have to say good bye.

We had ugly times. We had amazing times. We watched miracles happen. We created a love story out of brokenness. But we are no longer growing.

It’s time for me to sing a new song.

I’m sure I will love you in the silence.

no record of wrongs — September 6, 2016

no record of wrongs

sky-after-run
The evening sky after a beautiful run last winter. Every time I look at this picture, I am reminded of God’s never-ending love for the earth He created. 

There is nothing more accomplished than the love of Jesus. And it is becoming more and more apparent in my life every day. Jesus is not conditional. He is unconditional. He has a strong love for my every heartbeat. I know it.

The Lord goes before me in my life. He sits right beside me when the sun is shining and even when it’s not. He is with me when I have no one, when my mom leaves my family, when everything hurts. He is there in the trenches alongside me. And He pulls on my heart strings. He helps me make better choices. He loves me through my mess.

In the Bible, it says that, “(4) Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. (5) It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. (6) Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. (7) It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” -1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV)

When I was reading my Bible this morning, my heart really started to palpitate when it said, “…it keeps no record of wrongs.” It is scary to think that I have kept a list of grievances. I have held a record of wrongs against some people. I have done this many times. Just in the last week, I had a fallout with one of my best friends. I took what she “did” to me last year, and I made it a problem this year. I brought it out of the dark just to hurt her. I’ve noticed that I do that as a way to make myself  feel liked I have “won” the dispute. But that does not come from a loving place. It does not come from a place of kindness or protection. It derives from a place of anger and evil.

I have lived my life the wrong way. I have held grudges and I have said mean things. I have not loved others like I am suppose to. And I almost feel sick to my stomach thinking about it. 18 years of my life, I have been the mean girl. I have hurt people. I have put myself before others. I have done things intentionally lacking the consideration of someone else’s feelings.

There is nothing I can do to make up for it, but to live my life in such a way that people forgive me for the person I once was.

I am working on loving people with all I am, keeping no record of wrongdoings because Jesus loves me this way. It is never based on the nature or quality of present conditions. He sees the sinner in me and loves me ANYWAY. Through the help of God, I choose to love AND forgive other people without limitations and without motive. I choose to love people unconditionally even when it gets hard because Jesus does that for me every day. He has shown me what love is.

fighting for joy — September 1, 2016

fighting for joy

I wake up, get ready for the day and tell myself whatever I need to hear to be strong enough to make it. I tell myself that I am loved even though my mom has walked out her motherly role. I tell myself that my little brothers can still achieve anything without a mom. But as the day goes on, things start to eat at my spirit and the sound of my strong voice deafens. The devastation found in the absence of the small things I’ve once taken for granted, remind me that I have lived my life wrong. Regret takes its turn and torments me. I reconsider the days that I had with my mom. And I start to wish that I had loved and appreciated her as fiercely as I could when I lived with her. But now she is somewhere out there hurting. And I cannot do anything but pray that she comes back home soon.

In the past few days, I have been searching for something meaningful, but beauty is and always will be available to me in every waking moment. The world can never be too joyful, too kind, too wonderful. There is room for more of that; it will never get crowded.

I recognize that a conscious decision to fight for JOY and everything that is good and wholesomely within my reach, is not impossible for me. Good things are not beyond me because I am going through something devastating. Promise dwells in my potential to choose happiness even though the circumstances in my life are telling me to give up.

Fighting for joy until I have it, is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. But right before I go to bed, I think about the past 48 hours and I acknowledge that there is victory in endurance. (I have made it to see September! All the bad is being left behind in August.) Fighting for joy in the midst of trials is a marvelous fight that one should never get tired of fighting for.