That, I will not be. — February 13, 2017

That, I will not be.

So here’s the deal: it’s time for honesty. I am experiencing some real frustration right now. From where it came, I have no idea. But it’s here, and I will write until it goes away. This is me fully expressing how I feel in this moment.

The events of my life reflect that I am not a play-it-safe type of person. In anything I do, I risk it. I run far distances. I push past limits, and I let my curiosity lead me to new heights. I say things that could potentially present ideas. Even when I am scared, I’m still a little bit brave. I like those things about me. But when people make me out to be someone I’m not, that’s where I have an issue.

So many of my so-called “friends” have not been friends to me at all. When I commit myself to being someone’s friend, I’m there for them 24/7. I would give the shirt off my back if they needed it. However, not many would do that for me. Being someone’s friend is not something you do because you have to. You are someone’s friend simply because they add joy and goodness to your life. They serve as a support system for you, and you do the same for them. I feel like I don’t have that with most of my “friends”. 

Honestly, it crushes my spirit. I don’t need popularity or a lot of friends to be happy. I just want people in my life that actually care. And to some extent, I have that in a few people. But on the other hand, I have a bunch of fake people too. I’m not trying to be negative, but it is what it is. 

It is not hard for me to spot a fake. I’ve been dealing with fake people since middle school. Always being the last one to know about plans or sleepovers, etc. Or always being the one who logs onto social media and sees all the events that I wasn’t invited to, but magically all of  my “friends” were there.

Just because I’m in college, does not mean that this has stopped. It’s continued, just in a lesser sense. 

I deserve to be surrounded by people who strive for the same things as me. People who see the little things as big things. I deserve to be around people who are not trying to please the in-crowd by trying so desperately to be the next big thing. 

It’s cool to be kind, to be loyal, to be smart, to be real, to be loving, to be open-minded, to be joyful. 

To be calculated? To be mean? To be fake? That, I will not be. 

While we are searching. — November 17, 2016

While we are searching.

A dear girl that I know is missing–one that I met and got to know very well at the beginning of what has become an unexpected running journey for us both.

Kathy is a runner. She is now 16 and is in high school. However, when we met, she was just a little teeny tiny 12 year old and I was freshly 16.

My heart is truly hurting tonight because my friend is gone. No one can find her. Her family and her friends have been viciously searching for her back in my hometown. She was last seen on Monday at school, but no time after that.

I do not want to assume the worst, but this is not like Kathy to just disappear or go.

Kathy is a girl who has faced many trials, but she always manages to get back up and try again. She is loving and considerate. She puts others before herself. She is always there if you ever need her to be. She cheers loudly for everyone, but sometimes has a hard time cheering for herself. She is someone that loves to laugh and assume the best of others. She carries a sweet presence and is generally quiet.

I pray that God’s Will is done. Wherever Kathy is, whatever she may be doing, or whatever has already been done–let His love overcome all of the scary possibilities that could be at fault for Kathy’s absence. Bring her home.

While many back in my hometown are searching for her physically, I am searching for her in spirit. I am holding on to the hope that Kathy is safe. No matter what happens, Kathy is loved so deeply by her family and her friends. She is a brave girl and she is one of the first people that believed in me when I started running.

On the course, as we would pass each other in opposing directions, Kathy always said to me, “Good job, Sevyn!” And she would give me the biggest high five… In return I would say, “Keep going, Kathy! You are almost done!”

Right now, while we are searching for you… with a resounding beat, my heart and soul are screaming the same thing…”Keep going, Kathy! You are almost done!”

I will love you. — November 10, 2016

I will love you.

You are going to wish you were kinder to the sense that I am just as human and fragile as you are.

I won’t miss the way that you’ve misunderstood me. I won’t miss the way we’ve disagreed.

We became barriers for each other instead of bridges… and for that, I’m going to have to say good bye.

We had ugly times. We had amazing times. We watched miracles happen. We created a love story out of brokenness. But we are no longer growing.

It’s time for me to sing a new song.

I’m sure I will love you in the silence.

Momma, come home. — November 6, 2016

Momma, come home.

Momma,

I have spent the last 12 weeks worried to death for you. But you aren’t worried about me or my brothers. You don’t care about how we are doing. This entire situation has occupied my capacity to love myself and others as fiercely as I should. There is a void, and it is starting to leak into every aspect of my life. I am still in shock.

All of the years I had with you, I know I could’ve been better to you. And I’m sorry about that. I am sorry that I was not a good child or a good teenager. I will never forgive myself for that. But what you are doing to us right now is cutting deeper as the days pass. I never thought you would leave us like this.

My biggest fears right now are the holidays. Thanksgiving is coming up. Christmas is coming up. Do you know how fast my heart is breaking? I have never been away from you on big holidays like Thanksgiving or Christmas. People should be with the ones they love the most on holidays. I guess that isn’t going to happen this year… I’d do anything to have you there. To have you in the same room, eating together–I’d do anything.

Please come home for the holidays. I don’t think I do anymore of this. I have never been in so much pain. It is really shitty because it doesn’t go away; the pain doesn’t subside. It just lingers and it suffocates my spirit.

Suicidal thoughts greet me when I wake up in the morning, and they haunt me at night when I attempt to sleep.

This fucking hurts.

Banned in a Gateway — October 26, 2016

Banned in a Gateway

via Daily Prompt: Banned

In the light of my own observations, I see opportunities around me, but they are not for me. It’s as if I am banned in a gateway that was made for all to enter in. There are openings and I see everyone else go in, but when I try to go in, I am banned.

So, what does that mean? What does that say about me or my life? Doors are not opening for me in the effortless way that they do for other people. And I find it interesting that today’s daily prompt is just the word ‘banned’.

In elaboration, the word banned seems relevant in my life because there are holds on me. Under certain circumstances, I am stuck physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally, which creates a sense of limitations.

Each day, I wake up, and I immediately recognize my limits of the day. “I know I can’t do this”, or “I know I can’t go there.” It establishes the tone for what I will or will not do.

With that in mind, is it safe to say that I could be banning myself from entering the gateway? Is it possible that I am the one blocking myself from the gateway of opportunities?

Actually, I am positive that in many ways I am the one standing in front of my own capacities. I exclude myself from a place of promise and potential. To see this in myself is a big step towards change. So, I find hope in that.

Banned

Dear Momma… — October 25, 2016

Dear Momma…

Dear Momma,

I am crushed.

I pray for you every day. I don’t know if you feel them or receive them, but they are for you. I just want to say that I love you, and as I think of you at this very moment, I begin to weep. My heart breaks more and more in the absence of your presence. Things are never the same because you aren’t around. You ignore my calls and you rarely text me. You only seem to show up in Facebook notifications. But it does not matter. We just need our mom; we want her back.

Wherever you are, whatever you may be doing, I pray that you find what you are looking for. I pray for your safety. I pray for your courage to come home. I pray that I can forgive you if you ever do come home.

Know that I am sad all the time. I am depressed. I am pissed off. I am unhappy. I am at a loss for an appetite. I am hurt. My little brothers are hurt, too. I need my mom. They need their mom. We do. And although we are all so mad at you for leaving us, we do love you. I love you. I know that whatever happens, God will take care of us.

Momma, we have been through the most together. There is no other human that knows me as well as you do. Please, just come back. If I could do it all over again with you, I would obey you. I would say, “I love you, too.” I would hug you. I would take pictures with you. I would clean my room. I would do my chores. I would be respectful. I would agree with you. I would let you embarrass me in front of my friends. I would go out to eat with you in a sit-down place (even though I hate sit-downs). I would sing with you. I would dress up with you. I would tell you my secrets. I would help you train for that half marathon you’ve always wanted to run. Just come back. Please, come back so we can do these things. Please.

I am so sorry that I was not there for you in the way that you needed me to be. I’m sorry I couldn’t be that little girl you’ve always wanted me to be. You thought I would take up cheerleading, and you thought I would love to dress up. You thought I would let you fix my hair. You thought I would tell you everything. You thought I would let you be my best friend. I’m sorry I couldn’t be that daughter for you. I really am sorry. If I could do it over again, I would be that girl. I would be that daughter who wholeheartedly appreciated her mom. I would just to have you back as my mom.

I am sorry for everything I did or did not do to keep you feeling loved. Know that you are loved by me, your sons, your mom, your family and your Heavenly Father. There is so much love that we all have for you. I hope you feel it, Momma. Where ever you are, keep fighting to see another moment. Keep laughing–you do that best. And keep living. If you find it in your heart to come home, do that too.

I love you.

Good bye, Reggie. — October 13, 2016

Good bye, Reggie.

I just got a text from my grandma saying that a family friend only has a few HOURS to live. Like, WHAT DO YOU MEAN??? A few fucking hours!!! I am devastated right now. I have not seen Reggie since the Spring. It is not fair.

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A throwback picture of Reggie.

Reggie, in these last few months, you really fought hard. You did. And all you wanted was to find your place in life. You have the biggest, brightest smile. And I am going to miss it. I am going to miss you and your presence. I’m going to miss the way that your laughter fills up a room–any room. I’m going to miss your energy. Your ability to laugh even when you were hurting. I am going to miss it all–everything about you. I’m sorry this is happening to you. I can’t believe it. You could sing with the best of them.

This hurts so badly. Why God. WHY. Reggie only ever wanted to serve You. He would sing the most beautiful songs with a beautiful BEAUTIFUL voice at church. He would cry out in desperation at Your name. God why. I don’t understand and probably never will. This just SUCKS. I won’t even get to see him in his last moments. And I won’t get to see him because he is in Kansas fighting to see another moment.

But thank you. Thank you for his life. And thank you for allowing me to somehow be in his for the last 9 years. It has truly been an honor and a privilege getting to know such a loving, funny, gifted man such as Reggie Robinson. He is so full of everything that is beautiful. Let me never forget him.

I will NEVER forget when you sang these words at church:

“You thought I was worth saving, so you came and changed my life. You thought I was worth keeping, so you cleaned me up inside. You thought I was to die for, so you sacrificed your life. So I can be free. So I can be whole. So I could tell everyone I know.”

And you did just that. You have fought the good fight. You told everyone about Jesus through song and through they way you have lived. Now you will be free to dance and sing like never before. I miss you already. I love you forever and ever, Reggie.

No matter what happens today or tomorrow, I will remember you.

 

Drake Yancey — October 11, 2016

Drake Yancey

I just found out that a 15 year old, named Drake Yancey, killed himself. He went to the high school that I just graduated from. My best friend was actually his mentor last year.

My heart fucking hurts. It hurts so badly. I’m devastated. My body has chills. I can’t even explain the timing of this, considering that this could’ve been me a few weeks ago. I just wish I could have talked to him. I wish someone, ANYONE could have talked to him. I wonder what his last words and thoughts were. I wonder were the last words he heard from someone.

I know that Drake went through a lot and he fought a lot of demons. (We all do and that is okay.) He was so kind. So adorable. So tiny. I so badly wish that someone could have reminded him that he was worth it. He is worthy of love and he is worthy of wonderful experiences. He served a purpose and he did make a difference. We all miss him. I barely knew him. But it doesn’t matter. He was a person and that’s all it takes for it to mean something.

He was bullied and taunted. He was told that he was an “at risk” delinquent. What the fuck does that mean? God, why… Please, make this stop.  Now he is gone and we can’t get him back. And it hurts. We can’t remind him that he is the light of the world. We can’t remind him that we love him and that we need him. It hurts. So young, so full of promise and a future. Ohhhh, it hurts.

Drake, I am sorry that this world became too much. I am sorry that you got to the point where you couldn’t hold on any longer. This was supposed to be a place to foster your hurts, your hopes and your dreams. I’m sorry that we didn’t do enough. I knew your name, but I didn’t know you. And I’m sorry. This world needed you. I’m sorry you didn’t feel its tuggings. I’m sorry that it didn’t hold you when you needed to be held. I’m sorry that we didn’t love you, when you needed to be loved. I’m sorry. This world will never be the same without you in it.

You must’ve been so tired and so scared. So ready to be elsewhere. I’m sorry we couldn’t save you when you needed saving.

Just know that I love you. And you matter.

Rest in peace, Drake Yancey. 

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This is a candid picture of my best friend, Garrett (in the orange), with Drake Yancey.

 

Thank You for every moment. — September 25, 2016

Thank You for every moment.

There is a song by Kari Jobe called “Healer”. And some of the first lines are, “You hold my every moment. You calm my raging seas. You walk with me through fire and heal all my disease.” I listen to this song often. This speaks to my heart.

Today, I just woke up with a thankful heart. Through it all, God has been so abundantly present in my every moment. And I cling to that. I find hope in His love and in His presence. I find joy and peace in His grace. There is no one that can do what He has done. He is answering prayers right now. He is doing a great work right now in every heart that seeks Him. I love Him. He is keeping me kept every second of my life. And I know that.

Through little moments, I am learning that life is now. I am living right now. And this moment is something that I have only while it is here. But when it is gone, it truly is gone. It is scary and it is weird to think about. But when I am living mindfully, it forces me to make every decision, every cry, every run, every meal, every breath count. Things happen to the best of them, and you just never know what’s to come. To be proactive in my own living is becoming important to me. It is becoming a factor in how I treat myself and other people. It keeps me open-minded and appreciative of every good thing there is.

I’m overwhelmed. The more and more that I think about every storm, every valley, every victory–my God was there. I made it to see a new moment, a new hour, a new day. He puts certain people in my path. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for Your GOODNESS. You are so good, so wonderful, so loving. You provide. You go before me. You stand with me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

 

small. — September 16, 2016

small.

There are times when I must ask myself questions… Hard questions that I don’t want to address. But there comes a point in my week when enough IS enough. And I can only go on for so long carrying this heavy weight of what is most painful to me.

So I face myself and ask if I have any real friends. I flip the question and ask if anyone finds me as a friend. And then I go on to ask if I even make a slight difference in someone’s day. It would be less painful to continue to say yes to these questions. But the answer has always been no. Well, at least since the beginning of high school, the answer has been no. And even now in college, the answer remains no.

Where do I go from here? I don’t have friends on this university campus. I don’t have a good relationship with my distant mom or dad. I don’t have…

I think it is okay to ask myself questions. But because I am so sensitive to the condition of how others see me and how I see myself, it’s devastating. And sometimes too painfully raw to examine.

Something in me wants to remain feeling alone. But then there is a stronger sensation that wants to climb out of this funk and live the life given to me.

I’m not sure what is to come. But… I’m small today. That’s all.