While we are searching. — November 17, 2016

While we are searching.

A dear girl that I know is missing–one that I met and got to know very well at the beginning of what has become an unexpected running journey for us both.

Kathy is a runner. She is now 16 and is in high school. However, when we met, she was just a little teeny tiny 12 year old and I was freshly 16.

My heart is truly hurting tonight because my friend is gone. No one can find her. Her family and her friends have been viciously searching for her back in my hometown. She was last seen on Monday at school, but no time after that.

I do not want to assume the worst, but this is not like Kathy to just disappear or go.

Kathy is a girl who has faced many trials, but she always manages to get back up and try again. She is loving and considerate. She puts others before herself. She is always there if you ever need her to be. She cheers loudly for everyone, but sometimes has a hard time cheering for herself. She is someone that loves to laugh and assume the best of others. She carries a sweet presence and is generally quiet.

I pray that God’s Will is done. Wherever Kathy is, whatever she may be doing, or whatever has already been done–let His love overcome all of the scary possibilities that could be at fault for Kathy’s absence. Bring her home.

While many back in my hometown are searching for her physically, I am searching for her in spirit. I am holding on to the hope that Kathy is safe. No matter what happens, Kathy is loved so deeply by her family and her friends. She is a brave girl and she is one of the first people that believed in me when I started running.

On the course, as we would pass each other in opposing directions, Kathy always said to me, “Good job, Sevyn!” And she would give me the biggest high five… In return I would say, “Keep going, Kathy! You are almost done!”

Right now, while we are searching for you… with a resounding beat, my heart and soul are screaming the same thing…”Keep going, Kathy! You are almost done!”

I will love you. — November 10, 2016

I will love you.

You are going to wish you were kinder to the sense that I am just as human and fragile as you are.

I won’t miss the way that you’ve misunderstood me. I won’t miss the way we’ve disagreed.

We became barriers for each other instead of bridges… and for that, I’m going to have to say good bye.

We had ugly times. We had amazing times. We watched miracles happen. We created a love story out of brokenness. But we are no longer growing.

It’s time for me to sing a new song.

I’m sure I will love you in the silence.

Momma, come home. — November 6, 2016

Momma, come home.

Momma,

I have spent the last 12 weeks worried to death for you. But you aren’t worried about me or my brothers. You don’t care about how we are doing. This entire situation has occupied my capacity to love myself and others as fiercely as I should. There is a void, and it is starting to leak into every aspect of my life. I am still in shock.

All of the years I had with you, I know I could’ve been better to you. And I’m sorry about that. I am sorry that I was not a good child or a good teenager. I will never forgive myself for that. But what you are doing to us right now is cutting deeper as the days pass. I never thought you would leave us like this.

My biggest fears right now are the holidays. Thanksgiving is coming up. Christmas is coming up. Do you know how fast my heart is breaking? I have never been away from you on big holidays like Thanksgiving or Christmas. People should be with the ones they love the most on holidays. I guess that isn’t going to happen this year… I’d do anything to have you there. To have you in the same room, eating together–I’d do anything.

Please come home for the holidays. I don’t think I do anymore of this. I have never been in so much pain. It is really shitty because it doesn’t go away; the pain doesn’t subside. It just lingers and it suffocates my spirit.

Suicidal thoughts greet me when I wake up in the morning, and they haunt me at night when I attempt to sleep.

This fucking hurts.