I am crushed.
I pray for you every day. I don’t know if you feel them or receive them, but they are for you. I just want to say that I love you, and as I think of you at this very moment, I begin to weep. My heart breaks more and more in the absence of your presence. Things are never the same because you aren’t around. You ignore my calls and you rarely text me. You only seem to show up in Facebook notifications. But it does not matter. We just need our mom; we want her back.
Wherever you are, whatever you may be doing, I pray that you find what you are looking for. I pray for your safety. I pray for your courage to come home. I pray that I can forgive you if you ever do come home.
Know that I am sad all the time. I am depressed. I am pissed off. I am unhappy. I am at a loss for an appetite. I am hurt. My little brothers are hurt, too. I need my mom. They need their mom. We do. And although we are all so mad at you for leaving us, we do love you. I love you. I know that whatever happens, God will take care of us.
Momma, we have been through the most together. There is no other human that knows me as well as you do. Please, just come back. If I could do it all over again with you, I would obey you. I would say, “I love you, too.” I would hug you. I would take pictures with you. I would clean my room. I would do my chores. I would be respectful. I would agree with you. I would let you embarrass me in front of my friends. I would go out to eat with you in a sit-down place (even though I hate sit-downs). I would sing with you. I would dress up with you. I would tell you my secrets. I would help you train for that half marathon you’ve always wanted to run. Just come back. Please, come back so we can do these things. Please.
I am so sorry that I was not there for you in the way that you needed me to be. I’m sorry I couldn’t be that little girl you’ve always wanted me to be. You thought I would take up cheerleading, and you thought I would love to dress up. You thought I would let you fix my hair. You thought I would tell you everything. You thought I would let you be my best friend. I’m sorry I couldn’t be that daughter for you. I really am sorry. If I could do it over again, I would be that girl. I would be that daughter who wholeheartedly appreciated her mom. I would just to have you back as my mom.
I am sorry for everything I did or did not do to keep you feeling loved. Know that you are loved by me, your sons, your mom, your family and your Heavenly Father. There is so much love that we all have for you. I hope you feel it, Momma. Where ever you are, keep fighting to see another moment. Keep laughing–you do that best. And keep living. If you find it in your heart to come home, do that too.
I love you.