Banned in a Gateway — October 26, 2016

Banned in a Gateway

via Daily Prompt: Banned

In the light of my own observations, I see opportunities around me, but they are not for me. It’s as if I am banned in a gateway that was made for all to enter in. There are openings and I see everyone else go in, but when I try to go in, I am banned.

So, what does that mean? What does that say about me or my life? Doors are not opening for me in the effortless way that they do for other people. And I find it interesting that today’s daily prompt is just the word ‘banned’.

In elaboration, the word banned seems relevant in my life because there are holds on me. Under certain circumstances, I am stuck physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally, which creates a sense of limitations.

Each day, I wake up, and I immediately recognize my limits of the day. “I know I can’t do this”, or “I know I can’t go there.” It establishes the tone for what I will or will not do.

With that in mind, is it safe to say that I could be banning myself from entering the gateway? Is it possible that I am the one blocking myself from the gateway of opportunities?

Actually, I am positive that in many ways I am the one standing in front of my own capacities. I exclude myself from a place of promise and potential. To see this in myself is a big step towards change. So, I find hope in that.

Banned

Dear Momma… — October 25, 2016

Dear Momma…

Dear Momma,

I am crushed.

I pray for you every day. I don’t know if you feel them or receive them, but they are for you. I just want to say that I love you, and as I think of you at this very moment, I begin to weep. My heart breaks more and more in the absence of your presence. Things are never the same because you aren’t around. You ignore my calls and you rarely text me. You only seem to show up in Facebook notifications. But it does not matter. We just need our mom; we want her back.

Wherever you are, whatever you may be doing, I pray that you find what you are looking for. I pray for your safety. I pray for your courage to come home. I pray that I can forgive you if you ever do come home.

Know that I am sad all the time. I am depressed. I am pissed off. I am unhappy. I am at a loss for an appetite. I am hurt. My little brothers are hurt, too. I need my mom. They need their mom. We do. And although we are all so mad at you for leaving us, we do love you. I love you. I know that whatever happens, God will take care of us.

Momma, we have been through the most together. There is no other human that knows me as well as you do. Please, just come back. If I could do it all over again with you, I would obey you. I would say, “I love you, too.” I would hug you. I would take pictures with you. I would clean my room. I would do my chores. I would be respectful. I would agree with you. I would let you embarrass me in front of my friends. I would go out to eat with you in a sit-down place (even though I hate sit-downs). I would sing with you. I would dress up with you. I would tell you my secrets. I would help you train for that half marathon you’ve always wanted to run. Just come back. Please, come back so we can do these things. Please.

I am so sorry that I was not there for you in the way that you needed me to be. I’m sorry I couldn’t be that little girl you’ve always wanted me to be. You thought I would take up cheerleading, and you thought I would love to dress up. You thought I would let you fix my hair. You thought I would tell you everything. You thought I would let you be my best friend. I’m sorry I couldn’t be that daughter for you. I really am sorry. If I could do it over again, I would be that girl. I would be that daughter who wholeheartedly appreciated her mom. I would just to have you back as my mom.

I am sorry for everything I did or did not do to keep you feeling loved. Know that you are loved by me, your sons, your mom, your family and your Heavenly Father. There is so much love that we all have for you. I hope you feel it, Momma. Where ever you are, keep fighting to see another moment. Keep laughing–you do that best. And keep living. If you find it in your heart to come home, do that too.

I love you.

Good bye, Reggie. — October 13, 2016

Good bye, Reggie.

I just got a text from my grandma saying that a family friend only has a few HOURS to live. Like, WHAT DO YOU MEAN??? A few fucking hours!!! I am devastated right now. I have not seen Reggie since the Spring. It is not fair.

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A throwback picture of Reggie.

Reggie, in these last few months, you really fought hard. You did. And all you wanted was to find your place in life. You have the biggest, brightest smile. And I am going to miss it. I am going to miss you and your presence. I’m going to miss the way that your laughter fills up a room–any room. I’m going to miss your energy. Your ability to laugh even when you were hurting. I am going to miss it all–everything about you. I’m sorry this is happening to you. I can’t believe it. You could sing with the best of them.

This hurts so badly. Why God. WHY. Reggie only ever wanted to serve You. He would sing the most beautiful songs with a beautiful BEAUTIFUL voice at church. He would cry out in desperation at Your name. God why. I don’t understand and probably never will. This just SUCKS. I won’t even get to see him in his last moments. And I won’t get to see him because he is in Kansas fighting to see another moment.

But thank you. Thank you for his life. And thank you for allowing me to somehow be in his for the last 9 years. It has truly been an honor and a privilege getting to know such a loving, funny, gifted man such as Reggie Robinson. He is so full of everything that is beautiful. Let me never forget him.

I will NEVER forget when you sang these words at church:

“You thought I was worth saving, so you came and changed my life. You thought I was worth keeping, so you cleaned me up inside. You thought I was to die for, so you sacrificed your life. So I can be free. So I can be whole. So I could tell everyone I know.”

And you did just that. You have fought the good fight. You told everyone about Jesus through song and through they way you have lived. Now you will be free to dance and sing like never before. I miss you already. I love you forever and ever, Reggie.

No matter what happens today or tomorrow, I will remember you.

 

Drake Yancey — October 11, 2016

Drake Yancey

I just found out that a 15 year old, named Drake Yancey, killed himself. He went to the high school that I just graduated from. My best friend was actually his mentor last year.

My heart fucking hurts. It hurts so badly. I’m devastated. My body has chills. I can’t even explain the timing of this, considering that this could’ve been me a few weeks ago. I just wish I could have talked to him. I wish someone, ANYONE could have talked to him. I wonder what his last words and thoughts were. I wonder were the last words he heard from someone.

I know that Drake went through a lot and he fought a lot of demons. (We all do and that is okay.) He was so kind. So adorable. So tiny. I so badly wish that someone could have reminded him that he was worth it. He is worthy of love and he is worthy of wonderful experiences. He served a purpose and he did make a difference. We all miss him. I barely knew him. But it doesn’t matter. He was a person and that’s all it takes for it to mean something.

He was bullied and taunted. He was told that he was an “at risk” delinquent. What the fuck does that mean? God, why… Please, make this stop.  Now he is gone and we can’t get him back. And it hurts. We can’t remind him that he is the light of the world. We can’t remind him that we love him and that we need him. It hurts. So young, so full of promise and a future. Ohhhh, it hurts.

Drake, I am sorry that this world became too much. I am sorry that you got to the point where you couldn’t hold on any longer. This was supposed to be a place to foster your hurts, your hopes and your dreams. I’m sorry that we didn’t do enough. I knew your name, but I didn’t know you. And I’m sorry. This world needed you. I’m sorry you didn’t feel its tuggings. I’m sorry that it didn’t hold you when you needed to be held. I’m sorry that we didn’t love you, when you needed to be loved. I’m sorry. This world will never be the same without you in it.

You must’ve been so tired and so scared. So ready to be elsewhere. I’m sorry we couldn’t save you when you needed saving.

Just know that I love you. And you matter.

Rest in peace, Drake Yancey. 

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This is a candid picture of my best friend, Garrett (in the orange), with Drake Yancey.