There are times when I must ask myself questions… Hard questions that I don’t want to address. But there comes a point in my week when enough IS enough. And I can only go on for so long carrying this heavy weight of what is most painful to me.
So I face myself and ask if I have any real friends. I flip the question and ask if anyone finds me as a friend. And then I go on to ask if I even make a slight difference in someone’s day. It would be less painful to continue to say yes to these questions. But the answer has always been no. Well, at least since the beginning of high school, the answer has been no. And even now in college, the answer remains no.
Where do I go from here? I don’t have friends on this university campus. I don’t have a good relationship with my distant mom or dad. I don’t have…
I think it is okay to ask myself questions. But because I am so sensitive to the condition of how others see me and how I see myself, it’s devastating. And sometimes too painfully raw to examine.
Something in me wants to remain feeling alone. But then there is a stronger sensation that wants to climb out of this funk and live the life given to me.
I’m not sure what is to come. But… I’m small today. That’s all.